


after all this hurt and pain (you still love me anyways)

by villainousunsub



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, F/F, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villainousunsub/pseuds/villainousunsub
Summary: 5 times Lena can't find the nerve to fix what she broke + 1 time they mend itakaLena is suffering because of her own stupidity (shutting Kara out) and slowly starts to realize that she misses Kara and wants her back in her life + a love confession
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 10
Kudos: 234





	after all this hurt and pain (you still love me anyways)

1)

The dull tone of ringing fills her office, the glass room made the sound seem ten times louder than it was. Lena’s throat tightened as the second ring started, fear clenching the air out of her lungs and making her light headed-or maybe that was the bottle of scotch? Either way, she felt as if she was suffocating. Panic started to settle in the pit of her stomach, her heart raced as her mind swam in doubt. It was all too much and she considered ending it but then the ringing stopped. 

The air was silent. 

“Lena? Lena is that you? Are you okay? Lena!” She froze. Everything she had planned to say, to scream, died. Kara sounded so hopeful yet concerned for her still. As though nothing had changed, like they weren’t falling apart as the days dragged on. Lena took a shaky breath and ended the call. One second more, if Kara had said her name one more time, she would have broken. The tears were already welling up in her eyes threatening to fall for the failed friendship. 

The urge to go running to Kara, to call her again, so that she could find comfort once more weighed heavy on her heart. She knew it wasn’t all Kara’s fault that they had ended up where they were, but Lena wasn’t ready to forgive and let the blonde back into her life so quickly. It had barely been a couple weeks since the truth had been revealed, yet it felt like it was yesterday and a lifetime ago all in one. 

Lena laughed at herself, she was nothing more than a Luthor. Any kind of relationship she could have had with a Super was destined to end badly. It was fate. She was stupid to think anything else. Lena downed another glass of amber, letting the slight burn numb her emotions. Her head felt heavy as she tried to focus on the photo of her and Kara that she kept on her desk. The image was blurred by her vision which only made her angrier. Lena clenched her jaw tight, her hand shaking as she picked up the frame and threw it against the wall. 

The tears from before were now coming freely. Lena knew pain and loss (she knew it very well), it was something that was introduced early on in her life and it never left. But this time, this time it hurt more. The sinking feeling in her stomach and the pain in her chest wasn’t fading. She couldn’t sleep without being tormented by all the times Kara had lied, the years of friendship that passed without knowing, it killed her to see herself fall in love when she now knew the truth. 

Lena barely ate, every place had memories of Kara buried deep in their walls and it seeped out into the air and food leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Alcohol left her feeling sick if she stopped, but going down it left a hole in her heart (and was ruining her body more than anything). Lena felt weak and vulnerable all over again.

Living was a sick game that Lena was losing. 

2)

Nothing was going right. Projects that were practically perfect were failing, stocks had started to decline at a rapid pace, and Lena was ready to leave, to start over. National City had run dry for the CEO. It would be wiser to open a new L-Corp in a different city, with new workers, new minds, and more room to grow. Yet...Lena couldn’t leave. She tried, she had priced buildings in different cities, ran all the numbers twice, she did everything except follow through. 

There was just something (someone) holding her there. An aching feeling sat on her heart when she thought of leaving, she began to mourn the city as she planned business trips. National City refused to let her go. 

Lena was alone with no one to call, no one to care, no one to love. Sam was busy with life, Ruby had become a handful and running a business was a lot of work. It hurt to lose her best friend, her last friend, but she knew in time they would find their way back to each other. Then there was Kara. Kara was always something more. She was an ear when no one else would listen, she was substance when Lena was barely living, a ray of sunshine when her world was dark and gloomy, Kara was love when Lena thought her heart was painted black by hate. 

She eyes her phone from across the room.  _ Don’t be stupid, she doesn’t want to talk to you _ . Lena shook her head and tried to focus on the prints in front of her. She bit the inside of her cheek as she cast a glance back towards the device.  _ You are better than this Luthor _ . Her fingers tapped against the paper, she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she willed herself not to go call her. Lena closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to clear any and all thoughts of the blonde from it. 

“Hi, you've reached Kara Danver’s voicemail. I’m so sorry I missed your call. Leave your name and number and I will call you back. Have a great day-or night-or whatever!” The voicemail shocked Lena. She didn’t remember getting her phone or calling the blonde, it was also the first time she had ever heard Kara’s voicemail. Kara always picked up when Lena called. It never mattered if they were fighting, or she was getting her ass kicked by some new threat, Kara always answered. 

Lena tucks her feet underneath herself and forces herself to breath. She flicks through every news outlet she can think of, praying not to see the face of a battered hero. She sighs in relief when nothing has been reported. Then the anger settles. Lena knows she has no right to be angry at Kara, but it hurt like hell to be ignored. Kara promised she would always answer. Then again, Kara had made a lot of promises over the years that she never kept. 

Once again, Lena was thrown to the side and forgotten. She should have been used to it yet it hurt more and more as the years went on. Kara had abandoned her for the next new shiny thing. Lena knew she wasn’t in the running for the blonde’s love and attention anymore. She wanted to go back to when she was, she wanted it so bad. Tears fell silently as she thought back on how she put herself in this position to be hurt again, but she didn’t regret it. Lena would always love Kara. 

3)

Gossip spreads quickly through CatCo and into L-Corp, chain emails and private messages leak all sorts of stories and he said-she said rumors. The latest being of ace reporter Danvers seen going on a date with Andrea’s newest little pet Dey. L-Corp kept quiet about the development between the two reporters, knowing that Kara was still a sore spot for Lena. They discussed it in hushed voices and personal communication devices, hiding all evidence if Lena walked out on the floor. 

Then it all fell apart. William posted to any and all social media of his fantastic date with Kara and tagged the blonde in each post. No matter what she looked at, Lena could not escape his smiling face at their karaoke bar. She hadn’t seen Kara that happy in a while, in the video of them singing she seemed happier and free almost. It was strange to not be the cause of that extra little sparkle. Lena pushes any and all thoughts of the two out of her mind, it always resurfaced in her nightmares. 

Lena stayed off social media for as long as she could, but she also knew she needed to be somewhat engaging if L-Corp’s new projects were going to go over well with the public. Every few days she would upload an update on whatever new thing they were working on, field a couple press questions before vanishing again. An exclusive club tagged her in a grand-opening photo, their way of an invite she assumed. It seemed dark and too loud for what Lena enjoyed, that made it all the more enticing. 

That Friday she stepped out of her car into flashing cameras and a line of eager small influencers around the block. Lena started to feel sick as she walked in, the smell of sweaty bodies and smoke hit hard as she tried to find a more secluded place. She just wanted to sit, drink, and once she had enough alcohol-dance. The place was crowded and the only place to sit was the bar. Lena hated it already. 

She found an open seat towards the end and slid on to the stool. Lena went to signal the bartender and stopped mid wave. Blonde curls hung loosely down the back of a muscular body and swayed as the woman moved from guest to guest. Lena could hear the bubbling laughter from where she sat, the rest of the club seemed to fade away as she focused on that infectious laugh. The woman turned to face Lena and the illusion of what could have been Kara, crashed around her and the music returned abruptly. 

Lena stumbles off the stool and into the crowd, her eyes staying connected to the bartenders. Panic starts to set it as she is engulfed by the mass of people. No matter the direction she turned she could see Kara, the blonde was everywhere Lena looked. Pleading eyes watched as she pushed her through, strong hands ghosted against her skin sending goosebumps up her arms, it was all Kara. Everyone was her, with their smiles and laughter. None of them were her Kara, she only wanted her Kara not whatever sick mind game was happening. She missed her with her entire being. 

Lena cried on the way back to her apartment. She felt small and empty, like a part of her was missing. She thought back to the club and tried to think of a reasonable explanation as to why she couldn’t seem to shake the blonde from her head. Only one thing came to mind and she hated it. Lena Luthor was jealous of William because he got her Kara and she couldn’t even compete. 

4)

Papers flashed photos across the front page of Supergirl’s latest heroic act, painting her in golden sunlight and praise. No matter what she grabbed, there was that sunny smile and kind eyes staring back at her, from National City to across the world. Lena silenced the news alerts on her phone and never let her TV hit a single channel that showed the blonde. In less than two days she couldn’t even bare to open her phone or walk down the street. It seemed as though Supergirl became busier than ever and was not slowing down. 

From her office window she could see flashes of red and blue dart from one end of the city to the next. Day or night, Lena could hear the sound of a cape flying by but she thought she was being delusional. Kara wanted nothing to do with Lena, she had moved on, there was no reason the blonde would routinely check on her. Lena chalked it up to her own imagination or the hero having to fly by occasionally on her way to the next save. 

Her mind began to play a dangerous game of hope though, when she would hear the flutter of a cape or a gust of air, she would look helplessly out the window wishing she could catch a glimpse. It drove her insane. 

Lena’s drinking became heavier, concerningly so, as she tried to block her desire to see Kara in person once more. She knew that was for the best that they never saw each other again, for if she had to come face to face with the blonde, she would crack under those sad blue eyes. It was better this way. No contact meant no emotional breakdowns for Lena. Then again, she kept wondering if maybe they saw each other just one more time it could work. She would have her best friend again, but that was just wishful thinking. 

Her phone chimed with a text from Sam. 

**_Sam_ ** : Are you and Kara okay? Social media is going insane because they think that you two are no longer friends. So many people are invested in you guys its insane btw. 

**_Lena_ ** : I fucked up Sam. I don’t think I can mend it so those people are going to be disappointed by yet another Luthor. 

**_Sam_ ** : Why didn’t you talk to me sooner! Ruby and I are coming out there right now. 

**_Lena_ ** : It’s fine Sam, really. Enjoy Metropolis, I promise to visit soon. 

Lena shut off her phone and picked up her glass, she didn’t need to accidentally ruin another friendship at the moment. If Sam showed up she was sure to lash out in anger due to the pent up feelings that were greatly enhanced due to the amount of alcohol she had been consuming over the last couple days. She needed Sam to stay put, she would visit her when her mind was clear and she would be able to bare her heart on her sleeve. There were so many things Lena needed to sort out first. The main one being, why was she still not over Kara. 

Breakups had been easier than losing Kara. A tub of ice cream and something to distract her for a couple hours mended a broken heart in a handful of days. Losing Kara happened months ago and she still was hung up on her. Lena wanted to hate her, block the blonde from ever interfering with her life yet she couldn’t hate her. The thought of Kara drew her in time and time again, she wanted to hate her so bad but the overwhelming feeling of-of love wouldn’t let her. It was all too bad Kara would never know any of that, she wasn’t about to lay her heart out after all this time. 

5)

After almost three months, Lena couldn’t stand it anymore. Her body ached for long hugs, her heart wanted to race from happiness again, she wanted to feel loved once more. She fucked up and was paying the price. Lena wrapped herself tight in a throw blanket and ordered way too much take-out for one person before scrolling through the shared photo album she had saved on her phone. 

Most of the photos were taken by Kara, each one had a note attached reading the date and her thoughts. While most of the photos were of Lena herself (and loads of pictures of their various foods), her favorites were of them. The first few had Lena covering her face in them but as time progressed Lena watched herself open up and goof off with Kara in the pictures. There were a couple where her face was hidden, those were the ones that Kara had decided to take while they were cuddling (because of course all best friends cuddle that close and half naked). They were happier then, so much happier. 

A certain photo caught her attention though. It was at the very end, a photo she had never seen before, and one that she had no memory of being taken. Lena was laying on top of Kara in a blanket fort lit by tacky string lights and Kara had tangled herself into the brunette; what really caught her off guard was the way Kara was looking at her, as if she wanted nothing more than to stay like forever, there was so much love in her eyes Lena could feel it through the screen. Attached was the date, the last weekend they spent together before shit hit the fan, and a note from Kara:  _ Alex showed me this the other day, she could tell that I needed you. I want to go back to this if we can. Xoxo Kara _ , posted by Darling 11 hours ago. 

Lena could feel the panic attack suffocating her as her mind worked overtime. Kara didn’t hate her, she still was thinking of her, she wanted to see her after everything they had been through.  _ If she meant it, she wouldn’t have hidden it in a photo that you may have never seen. But at least she is trying, she doesn’t resent you and is reaching out.  _ Lena sighed and liked the photo, it was more than she had done during all of this. She was acknowledging her and her comment, they both knew Lena read each and every word Kara wrote. It was something, a hand reaching out in the darkness after so long, more than Lena thought would be possible and it felt like a breath of fresh air of a sunny day. 

In the back of her mind, Lena knew that they could never go back. She had burned the bridge and while staring into the ashes she realized that while she wasn’t ready to lose Kara, she wanted her back for more than friendship. Lena knew that it would drive a wedge between them if they ever tried and reconciled. She would not base any more of their relationship on secrets, she couldn’t go through it all again. Lena waited for a text or call, signalling an end to the silence but she waited in vain for days. 

1)

The message stares hauntingly up at Lena. She can’t believe she actually typed it out, let alone sent it. Lena tried to think of something to excuse her actions. Wrong person or didn’t mean to send that, felt like an easy way out that would make the situation worse. Words that had feelings inside never meshed well with Lena’s straightforward factual mind, yet there she was with her heart on the line and the words describing every one of her feelings towards Kara. 

Three little grey dots appeared at the bottom of her screen and the world stopped. They bounced forever before stopping all together. No response came. Lena threw her phone onto the couch in anger as she paced back and forth. She had let her hopes rise and rise only to be sent crashing down as quickly as it started. The only thing keeping her sane was the fact that in her drunk haze she didn’t tell Kara everything, she still held onto the fact that she was in love with her. If she had confessed that over a text, Lena wouldn’t be able to live with herself. 

A knock on glass startled her out of her thoughts. Kara was leaning against the door, suit already traded out for jeans and a button up. Lena watched as Kara cycled through emotions, it was as if she was happy to see her but scared of being hurt which caused a pang of sadness to deepen her blue eyes with tears. 

Without thought, consequences be damned, Lena couldn’t help but run straight at Kara. When warmth held her close and tears dripped down, Lena let herself break. It felt like coming home for the first time in months. Everything was right again, nothing could hurt her when she was being protected by sunshine and the world opened up once more. Lena never wanted to let go, afraid that in a blink of an eye Kara would disappear. 

As if Kara could sense her fear, she picked Lena up slowly to bring them inside where it was warm and comfortable. Lena let Kara just hold her close, trying her best not to move so that she wouldn’t be put down. This was all that she wanted, it was what she had been craving after all this time, since the moment she had laid eyes on Kara really. It was almost too much for Lena, she wanted more. She willed her hips to stay put though they ached to rock against the taunt stomach. Lena dug her nails into her palms to stop them from weaving through perfect loose curls and laid her head on Kara’s shoulder to hide the redness that was creeping up her neck. 

A sinking feeling laid heavy in the pit of Lena’s stomach, heart stopped dead in its tracks and words died in her throat. It was all wrong. She shouldn’t be relishing in the comfort when there was still her hidden confession. Lena applied slight pressure down with her thighs, hoping Kara would understand and set her on her feet. Of course she did, hands loosened gradually, letting Lena slide back to solid ground. She put some distance between herself and the blonde, but kept a hand resting light on Kara’s stomach. Lena toyed with the button closest to her as she tried to think of an easy way to tell Kara the truth. 

Kara stood in silence, watching as Lena bit her lip anxiously. The blonde was having trouble controlling her breathing as cold fingers landed on bare skin, the touch sent a shock wave through her entire body. Her hands clenched at her sides waiting for Lena to make the first move, the first sound. Kara felt as though she was being tortured by the soft touches and silence, her body felt like it was on fire that did not want to be put out. 

_ Relax. Let her take her time, this is a lot for her. Oh god this is a lot for her. What if she didn’t actually want to see me. What if she wanted to keep it text only to distance herself and cope. Just showing up unannounced was so stupid!  _ Kara mentally berated herself for not having a plan or attempting to talk to Lena before she impulsively flew over. She knew that Lena liked her space and time to work through things on her own (i.e the reason Kara let her have her three months of separation to work through their fight), but she had missed the brunette so much, Kara let her emotions take control. 

Lena swayed slightly, shifting back so that she was standing straight up instead of leaning towards Kara.  _ Now or never, Luthor, now or never. _ She choked on her words as she tried to speak for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Kara gave a sympathetic smile, cupping Lena’s face with one hand. Tears pooled in Lena’s eyes, she swallowed hard and dove head first into the dark waters of her heart. 

“I missed you,” Lena paused, she could see Kara’s eyes growing wide as she beamed with happiness. “I think I may be in love with you. Wait no. I know I am in love with you. It’s silly really, it took you finally finding someone who made you happy for me to realize it. I don’t want this to change anything, but I don’t want another secret tearing us apart-” 

Lena melted into the arms that had pulled and wrapped themselves around her waist. Her breath was taken away by a pair of the softest lips she had ever felt and her heart was racing as reality hit. Kara Danvers was kissing her and she was just there. Lena pushed herself against Kara and up on to the balls of her feet as she kissed back, hard. The moment took her breath away for it was perfect, better than anything she had ever imagined. 

“I know I am in love with you too. You make me a million times happier than he ever did, besides nothing ever went past that first night. For you Lena, I want to have every night from now until forever because I want nothing to ever tear us apart. You will never be alone again if you will let me be here. If you let us love each other for eternity.” Kara rested her forehead against Lena’s, her words ghosting against the brunette’s face. They were still wrapped around each other, rocking gently as fingers drew circles on sides. Lena nodded slightly before placing a chaste kiss on Kara's neck and then one on her lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> twitter/tumblr: villainousunsub
> 
> thank you for making this far and giving it a read, it is much appreciated!


End file.
